our time is almost here
I don’t know. I ceebs. I’m confused. I don’t understand.
That’s how I feel about everything now.
I used to be all like ‘wow, wouldn’t it be nice to have a guy like Bree who cares about her as much as, if not more than, himself?’ and I used to be all excited about the prospect of love and all that shit, but now I just CBF. I’m just sick of it all. I was always told that if I was beautiful on the inside, people would like me (girls included). I’m not perfect. I know I’m not always the nicest, funniest, most sensitive girl around, but I try my best and it would be kind of nice to be acknowledged. I’m not just talking about guys. But it would be nice to be acknowledged by them too.
I can’t be bothered anymore. I can’t be bothered trying anymore. I used to be my own person and I used to not care what anyone thought, but now I’m a self-conscious wreck who’s manipulated like play-doh by peer pressure. Why have I been wearing make-up to school lately? I think it’s because I just want to be loved. I want to be loved, I want to mean the world to someone, I want to be with someone who makes my heart leap everytime I see them, I want someone who’ll tell me that everything will be okay and make me believe them. What does make-up have to do with it? People look at a book cover before they read the book, don’t they? It’s true. Don’t deny it. Everyone I know who has a boyfriend who loves them is pretty. And almost all of them wear make up. Hence, I can’t help but think that I need to wear make up for someone to want me. I’m scared that people won’t give my personality and whatnot a go unless they think I look okay. It’s not fair. I’ve somehow managed to be convinced that no person would ever give a plain, boring nerd a go next to a pretty girl with a stack of makeup.
And you know what? It’s true. And I don’t want to care. And it’s just not fair, because no matter how much I try, I do care, and I still want to impress everyone.
I mean, seriously, I’m so sick of trying to look pretty for people, trying to be the person everyone wants me to be and to being someone I’m not. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know what my religion is, I don’t know what my sexuality is, I don’t know who I who my friends are, I can’t distinguish between liking someone as a friend and liking someone as more than a friend, I don’t know what I’m doing in school, I don’t know what my real personality is, I just don’t know.
And I don’t know how to stop.
